The ‘Big Six’ Threats to Family Business Harmony

For the better part of the last decade, I collaborated with experts to develop family business programming at the University of Cincinnati. Much of the value we provided came from featuring our members, business owners who had lived the lessons and wanted to share their experience with the community.

Over the years, sitting in the audience and taking in their stories, six core themes emerged, all of which are fear based and manifest in a struggle to communicate.  Here they are, with links for learning more.

Pretending like nothing is wrong to avoid conflict will backfire, compounding the problem over time.

1) Everything is Fine. Really!

Many well-intended families suppress conflict to preserve harmony, but unresolved issues compound. In time, conflict erupts, damaging relationships and dragging down the entire workplace. Conflict management is a leadership skill that must be developed, and the challenge is far greater in family businesses where a lifetime of unresolved hurts can magnify whatever work issue is triggering the fight. For further reading, check out HBR’s Family Business Handbook, or this article written by its co-author, Josh Baron, Moving from Fake Harmony to Constructive Conflict.

Navigating ambiguity is an important leadership quality, but that doesn’t mean that families should create ambiguity in order to avoid difficult conversations.

2) Clarity, Communication & Control

When owners lack clarity about their business plan or retirement timeline, they can struggle to communicate. Some, feeling pressured to move on before they’re ready, will withhold information to maintain control. Either scenario creates a frustrating state of uncertainty for their ambitious children, who have not yet mastered the art of navigating ambiguity. Collaborating on a plan relieves the tension while surfacing the many issues to be resolved. Taking action always feels better than staying stuck and conveys respect to both generations.

If you believe you know what is motivating a family member’s behavior, and you haven’t discussed your interpretation with them directly, you are throwing fuel on a family business drama.

3) The Stories We Tell Ourselves

We believe we understand our families so well that we assume to know their thoughts and feelings. We interpret their motivations based on a narrative we develop over our lifetimes. Often, we make assumptions that put us center stage in their stories, never checking in on the truth as they see it. This is fuel for drama. If it sounds like you, check out The Four Agreements by author and spiritualist don Miguel Ruiz. I recommend reading the entire book, but here’s an article on The Third Agreement, Don’t Make Assumptions, if you want a quick read.

Parents have been jumping in to resolve family arguments since their kids learned how to talk. Over the years, kids learn to return the favor, advocating on someone else’s behalf, or drawing a parent or other sibling in to champion their cause. As adults, conflict should be managed between the disagreeing parties. It’s a core leadership skill.

4) Third-Party Foul

Triangulation is a short-term fix that creates a long-term problem. It occurs when someone is consistently drawn in to intercede on behalf of another, instead of encouraging the parties in conflict to work things out themselves. In family businesses, it can contribute to jealousy, resentment, accusations of favoritism and scapegoating, while inhibiting growth in areas like decision making, problem solving and developing communication skills. This straightforward article from Robert Holton gets to the heart of it.

The quickest way to disempower your children, while setting them up to be disrespected by the non-family employees on your team, is to give them a role they haven’t earned or demonstrated they are competent to perform.

5) Entitlement Over Entrepreneurship

Founders are bootstrappers, often working long hours while the kids are young. Wanting to provide opportunity for their children, they will create jobs, or allow their children to leapfrog into big titles with salaries that match, limiting opportunity for non-family employees. Lacking clearly defined employment policies is a mistake that damages workplace culture and creates leadership challenges for the incoming generation. Robert Caldwell sums it up nicely in this post for FamilyBusiness.org.

We owe it to each other to meet our commitments, and to forgive each other when we fall short. The responsibility is far from a burden — it empowers us, frees us, and helps us earn the respect and support of our teams.

6) Little or No Accountability

Not being accountable, or holding others accountable, occurs when we fear confrontation. Making excuses for people, dismissing bad behavior and blaming others for our mistakes and unmet commitments is a common tactic for avoiding conflict that limits professional growth. In contrast, complete accountability empowers us, puts us in the driver’s seat, and transforms us into charismatic leaders who inspire the best from our teams. Here is an intensely spot-on Ted Talk by Navy Seal Jocko Willink, Extreme Ownership.

Like all things in life, these “Big Six” threats to family harmony exist to varying degrees. If your family has stopped connecting outside of work, or if your family’s negative energy is infecting the rest of your organization, consider getting help. A family-focused executive coach can help you restore communication, address tough topics, and regain momentum.